He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
