Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
