can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
