When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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