I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
