Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
