My room smells like vodka and shame
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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