My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
