my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
