Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
