uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
