hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
