Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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