I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
