i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
