Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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