She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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