I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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