You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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