listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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