That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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