She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize