oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
