Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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