i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
