I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
