Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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