On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
