Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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