Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
