Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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