If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
