What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
