My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
40s are totally the cure
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
