fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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