Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
