Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
