I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
