I feel great
I just peed on a car
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
