yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
