P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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