If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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