she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize