She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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