if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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