Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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