why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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