it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
