the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need a burrito and a hug.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
