stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
