Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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