i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize