thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
