Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
