i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
