Joe is yelling at the trees again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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