So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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