you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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