I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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