I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
