No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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